i'm in the middle of this ride; i won't write myself off yet

So pathetic..... Haha..... I knw i just got no one to rely on de la. Wow! Nevermind de la. R.I.B

This yr count down with my sleeping partner on bed lei..... I keep tellin myself dun go n Thk wat i'm doing last yr today. No point. Also not gonna Thk where he is, how he is celebrating with who or where. I dun wanna Thk. Nevermind ba. Shld sleep early ba. Tomorrow still need to work. No mood to write le.

I can't keep makin myself cry to sleep every Nite le. So here comes ribenna vodka! Once drink, all goes well...... Hee.
Today went to watch ' National Treasure' again, yes! That day missed e front part. At least today can understand e story better le.
Came to a conclusion of one thing today, which is 'Dun put in heart what pple promised u, just remember wat u promised urself.'

My hand is in pain again. From today onwards, m gonna bear all these hurts n pains by myself just like this scar, had a fall at e staircase after A left me. I remembered i'm So helpless when i try to stand up n reached for God, tears jus flow dwn, just like a kid when he needs a hug or console from e mother. Now KZ won't be here anymore. Had been crying every night to sleep ever since christmas eve. I promised i won't write anythi unhappy le, but still need to vent. Anythi which dun belongs to me, is not mine. Everythi i have now, will never be mine - forever.

我应该　-　张学友

你眼盖脱了色彩
颈巾即将松脱下来
我在探听谁将亲你在怀内
可是你　心不会装载
而我自身受其害　
仍然在说都不必分开

应该早已无期待
应该心死　为何仍未放开
应该不要回来　任你伤害
恋什么爱　你精彩　我悲哀

盼你性格会更改
使终苦等一个未来
你讽刺我人活于五十年代　
不用再　得一个心安

想痛哭躲在门外
谁人共你正在内　传来声声喝彩　

应该早已无期待
应该心死　为何仍未放开
应该不要回来　任你伤害
恋什么爱　你精彩　我悲哀

恋什么爱
你高山　我深海　

After e dinner, went drinkin with my boss. So just reached home.
This pic is one of a bag KZ used to buy for me. I bring it to e dinner just now, so told my colleague how i got this bag. She say KZ dotes me alot...... I told her frankly, he no longer loves me n dotes me anymore le, thats all e past.
KZ came look for me for dinner, he answered a fren's call. I knw is another secret between he n his frens is somethi abt a 3 days trip ba. If i'm not wronged. Anyway is not my business anymore la. I dun understand is it somethi wrong with me or those pple around me. Sometimes i looked myself in e mirror, i'm not that bad lookin but how come i always met e wrong person? I can cook, even keep e house but that doesn't seem to be wat a man needed. I'm so sick of myself, my life. Everythi is not my problem anymore, e rite man just not here ba..... Mummy's prob not my prob anymore, Dom's prob not my prob anymore. Every single thing, won't be a prob to me anymore.

Now am at e wedding dinner. E place i dragged most to come. When i Thk back when i'm with A, i used to come here. So stupid.

Actuall bought this shirt to wear on christmas eve..... But i never went to church. This morn woke up n went back to work for 2 hrs. Came home have a 2 hrs of sleep then watch dvd for e whole afternoon. Packed a corner of my rm. Watched t.v, painted my nails. That's my christmas. Never pick up any calls or dial anyone up.
Cried e whole Nite le, woke up cry again, before i nap i cried to sleep too. Dom sent me a sms ask me not to be angry anymore. But i reply him i've lost my good old brother, that fella whom used to have patience listen to others. Mayb they had moved on n i'm still lagging behind. He never reply. Oh well, They not like me, they got lots of things to do n not like me. Too free, so can think so much. Just wanna stay at home, have my own time n dun do anythi for any1. Sleep well le. Nite..... Hugz.

Dear No more i love u, This is my another new sleepin partner- Mr Potato, another gift from mummy for christmas. Ah...... Is actually a tortise, but his face look like potato lor. :-P
This yrs christmas is Abit different..... Last yr was over at Nasea with that gf whom i had misunderstanding with, her hubby n also my ex. We had lots of fun that Nite, we drink, play cards, pool n even won a bucket of beer too in e lucky draw held in e club. This yr was even a better 1, i'm all alone.
Was suppose to attend a mid-Nite mass but in e end had an argument with Dom over a matter related with mummy. so i Thk better not go since we both has yet to cool dwn. He is gettin more n more impatience with all e pple around him le. Just wanna tell him he'll lose e gd old Dom i used to knw soon. If certain things in life really cannot make it. He should learn to let go n have more time for himself n his loved ones.
I've been descriped as a sensitive woman, Thk too much n a screwed up one too! Hmmm...... Nice comments thru out e whole week. :-o
i knw wat i'm doing, i would rather be sensitive or Thk too much as i dun like to be step over anymore. Anyway, give thanks to God! Thank u for sending 'beautiful' angels to light up this christmas of my. I'll get used to it. As there will never be a fren just like 7-11 store, dun get it? It means, frens can't stand by u 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week nor 365 days a yr. No one, not even ur family members or even those who claims that they'll standby u whenever u needed someone. All r beautiful white lies. Only God provide such service de lor.
Merry christmas to all, especially those who give nice comments, stepped, slapped, look dwn on me de too. Have a wonderful yr ahead.

Love,
No more i love u

After a hard days work n preparation of Franz's bdae m sooo..... Tired. Need to rest early as tomorrow still need to work, tomorrow's mid-Nite mass then to enjoy my 2 off days. Waaah...... So happy!
Last Nite had 汤圆 with my family, Dom n Franz. 1yr older le. Must be more patience with myself n others. If i dun learn to let go of alot of things, my life will still be unhappy. Hope that tomorrow onwards i can write somethi more happy rather then grumpy ones. Pray hard.

Just came back from movie - 'National Treasure' with my Bros, Dom, Franz, my own bro n da sao. So a photo of Dom's new car with Franz.
2molo suppose to celebrate Franz bdae. Actually shld be a suprise bdae BBQ but in e end a fren of Franz's spoilt everythi. So still dunno wat will happen 2molo de lor.
Just now b4 e movie start KZ send me this: Nw then i knw hw u feel it when u r sick.up 2 nw im still nt a gd man.im so sory dissappointed u again n again.
Never reply him. No point saying all these when there is no hope. 1s n 1s he hurt me again n again. Sleep tight lor. 2molo still need to prepare 4 e BBQ. Yawnz......

My 6th sense is always rite. Thk came true le ba. We no longer can get back together, i should have know. No point i chase after his foot step with all his empty promises n lack of sincerity. Its very difficult to be with someone whom u knw him inside out, cos every little things he do; u'll knw whether is a lie or he did it with sincere. I rather to be with someone u need to get to knw him slowly,to understand from zero, so u won't be so pek chek if he is not sincere. Cos he don't mean anythi to me unless we r together. E reason i'm giving him a chance is bcos i still thought of how he used to treat me n i never realised that not all leopard could change it's spot. I've been giving him cold shoulders for e pass few days. I hope by doing this he will leave me alone- forever. My advise is : NOT ALL MAN DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE

你笑着说　她是朋友
但你眼中太温柔
我的不安　那么沉重　
只有你不懂
她霸占了你的心中
属于我的角落
所以你说我们不是你和我
是我想太多　你总这样说
但你却没有　真的心疼我
是我想太多　我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由
她霸占了你的心中
属于我的角落
所以你说我们不是你和我
是我想太多　你总这样说
但你却没有　真的心疼我
是我想太多　我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由
我想我没有错怪了什么　
虽然你不说　或许错在我

太晚我才懂　爱了你太多
是我想太多　你总这样说
但你却没有　真的心疼我
是我想太多　我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由

I've no longer anythi more to say. I'm so tired. I'll never let anyone whom i care n loved to step over me, anymore.

I've nothi to say abt it anymore.

你的电话可以不接
我的倦恋不能消灭
她的温柔可以承担一切　只因为寂寞　什么理由都对

感情变成一种累赘　谁都不想再去安慰　你已不是我的精神粮食　只因为寂寞　是每个人的星座
　
我想这是最后一次　可以娇纵任性放肆　人总是在绝望的边缘才能看清楚自己软弱的样子　
还能够被伤害几次　我们剩下多少日子　你在我心里的位置是舍不得看完的故事

感情变成一种累赘　谁都不想再去安慰　你已不是我精神粮食　只因为寂寞　是每个人的星座　
我想这是最后一次　可以娇纵任性放肆　人总是在绝望的边缘才能看清楚自己软弱的样子　还能够被伤害几次　我们剩下多少日子　你在我心里的位置　是舍不得看完的故事
　
这是最后一次　可以娇纵任性放肆　人总是在绝望的边缘才能看清楚自己软弱的样子　还能够被伤害几次　我们剩下多少日子　你在我心里的位置是舍不得看完的故事　

这样的千尘往事　我该如何收拾

早该醒了,　不应该自欺欺人。我不想多心但却过不了自己这一关…

Watched e movie Warlord. Not bad la but only 1st hr is nice but e ending part is Abit boring.
When KZ saw me he say y i never tell him i'm not feelin well. He said that from my voice he can hear that somethi is wrong. But from my heart says u cannot ask de meh. Sianz...... Ever since he gave me that 不耐烦的语气 when i needed him that time, i've already given up on him. B4 e Show end, i put my hand on to his palm. Just like last time we like to measure our hands. Then i got this feelin we can't be back together. My 6th sense is always rite is just that i like to lie to myself that everythi is alrite.
Just now went to gym. Wa..... So long never work out le, Abit aching le lor. Burnt some calories but put some back after dinner. Haha...... Wasted. Really need a bath. A good 1 n a relax 1 too. Just lighted my burner. Gettin ready to bath then have a gd Nite sleep. Sweet dreamz :-D

Ydae mummy passed me my christmas present. Is a pair of swarovski crystal ear ring. Must be not cheap de lor.
Suffering from flu n cough. Mummy say i dun sound n look like i'm suffering from flu lor. Thank u huh!
Ydae bought another 7 suit of clothin for bb lor, very nice n good. Best price good price must buy! Haha..... Called mummy to stop me. She say she can't help cos we both at different location. Haha...... Buy buy buy lor.
Mummy came by to my work plc look at e clothing i brought. Then we went to e BAR while waitin for her fren.
KZ say wanna watch movie de. He said he still at work wor. Ok lor i go home lor. Just now he called to watch movie at 8plus de. Then he called say changed to watch mid- Nite movie. But he dunno i flu ba. Abit tired lei. Then i msg him say if he is meetin someone else go watch with that person. Then he msg back says pls la, he is meetin a guy lor. Y so gan cheong to explain wor..... Sianz. So i told him never meant anythi only dun wanna trouble him lor. Siow lang.

Pain hasn't stop since 11 plus this morn till now. Can't go anywhere, too lazy le.
Just now view e photo taken at e wedding dinner..... So blur :-S Arms so big:( Haiz..... Big size means big size de lor. Dunno KZ knock off le ma..... Sure never take umbrella de lor.
Fell in love with this song recently by 信乐团-挑釁

我的梦早已归零
我的爱结成冰
退色的刺青　残留的性命　那是我的曾经

别为我动了真情
别怪我那么　
孤独的背影　落默的神情
经不起你的挑釁
不要闯进我冰冷的爱情　我怕沉睡的梦被你惊醒　无论束手就擒　或是抵挡你的入侵　都会让我摇摆不定　触景伤情　

你的梦如此清醒　你的爱太冷清　催泪的叮咛　温柔的神情　却又让我动情　

别让我掉入陷阱　别恨我不敢听　固执的个性　坚定的表情　经不起你的挑釁　　不要闯进我冰冷的爱情　我怕沉睡的梦被你惊醒　无论束手就擒　或是抵挡你的入侵　对我来说　都是挑釁

不要挑釁　我冰冷的爱情　我怕醒来会爱你
爱不停　请你别再靠近　不要让我恨不下心现在的我经不起你一再挑釁　
　

Has been raining so many days le. Thought today will have a sunny day as this morn is so sunny but still rain whole day. Abit moody de lor.....
After reading wat KZ sent, i Feel like askin him a qs. Is it he drunk liao or he felt somethi during e wedding as seeing his colleague's gettin married or he felt lonely then he sent me e sms last Nite lei? But this is e 1st time he sent this sms on his own accord wor..... Wat ever it is, time will tell.

Came back from Franz concert. Pass by this plc where our merlion used to be, is a plc where KZ n i used to go n celebrated his bdae there when i 1st knw him. How times flies...... Everythi abt us just came back to me. Actually wanted to come back n drink till dead drunk but in e end chat with Dom n guys till abt 12 am. When i took out my phone i saw 2 sms from KZ. He says 'Girl,me gng hme nw after wedding dinner.i must say tat i do mis u.me nt high although drink abit more.i wanted 2 b like last time,u n me so loving.
Im nt gd last time.but ok,me wil arrange,we go thailand next year k.'
I dunno how to re-act when i saw this sms, i dunno y i just dunno how to reply him, i just send him back that i miss him too. That's all. I really dun want him to knw how i felt deep inside my heart. See whether he meant wat he said. As conversation with mummy she says is too fast n early to give him a chance. I'll just put him one side at e moment ba.

Waiting at e train station for Dom lor..... Late lor..... Sit here see ppl couple couple so sianz..... Haiz..... Who ask myself stupid lor. Talk to mummy abt KZ, mummy say is too early to give him another chance..... Haiz..... Thk so too. Dun wanna give myself too much pressure. But is really that he is e 1 whom i can sleep beside him soundly. Others i can't even make myself sleep. No sense of security at all. Aiya..... R.I.B ba. Mayb i'm predicted to be alone ba. No matter how nice i treat them or how my frens says i am, i also won't find any1 de la. My Dom Dom is here le. Still still very boring..... Haiz.

Today very bad MOOD! Dunno y. Dun feel like talkin, dun even feel like going Franz concert. I must forget, forget, forget,forget! Everythi! Arrrgh....... Just feel like going to sleep dun wake up. No need to Thk abt anythi.

Guess wat is e drink? My brother thought me de. Taste quite nice too.
Thought of Ydae Nite dinner with KZ, he dun allowed to let me spent a single cent on e dinner. When we ordered drinks, then e lady collect e money, so i taking cash out of my wallet, he just say he have, he have. So i allowed him to pay lor. Then dun let me order myself, insisted he do e order n make me eat alot. He even told me we can plan a trip to Bangkok next march or april. But mummy will give birth ard that time le. After e dinner, he left to work n me too. This morn he never call me after work for breakfast, mayb he tired le ba. Recently he had been bz. My shop need to write a promo on e board. So i thought of him. So i called him but he never pick up. Abt 3 plus he msg back. So i told him abt it. Then he say when he free he'll pass by to do it 4 us. He even ask me wed is it my off day, i say yes but never ask him why.
Sometimes he can be so nice, but sometimes he really forgets abt me. Esp saturday. I dun wanna ask myself this qs: is it he really went out with his buddies or is it with someone else. I hate to doubt.

Dr gave me a tablet that cost $2 per tablet. Haiz..... Abit expensive wor. He say if after 1 week medication, e pain still comes back must go for x-ray. Abit exaggerate lor.
Just now KZ came to cut his hair, Thk he likes my cuttin. :-P then he mentioned go thailand on next march or april. At least 3 days. Haha....... Hooray!

This is my sis-in-law's cat. Saw what he doing? Hiding in my brother's pant while lyin on my brother's tummy. Cute rite?
M now waitin in e clinic, dunno y suddenly gastric very pain...... Just msg KZ. Msg him also no use, he will be bz workin...... Msg any1 also no use. Every1 will be bz workin. Must learn to endure, must learn to face it myself. Must learn. Must learn. But I really very tired le..... Nevermind, i can take it de.

This shot taken with my sis-in-law. Pretty rite? Sometimes i wish to be like her. So feminie. Not like me, can be so lian when i'm pissed off.
So pissed off with mummy's sister. She changed her mind again. So was tellin Dom that will try to ask KZ to go with me in order not make things difficult for anyone. But his reply is ' forget it. If he really wants to go, will give u a answer straight.' thank u lor! u Thk i'll not have a tough time if i decide to go meh? I can understand his situation even though he dun say but From his spending habits i knw. I dun wanna say so much on this. M really dunno wat i'm tryin to say. Mayb Dom 说者无心 but I　听者有意 lor.
Just now KZ sms me, was already almost 12 am le then he knock off. Sometimes dunno really wanna pity him or not. I dun wanna talk abt him le. Dom always say i better off alone, will be happier..... U Thk i am? Fine lor. Thk i won't be writting so much in this blog le, m tryin to make it more for myself n not for those i knw to read abt my wat really in my heart, can write more carefreely.
Today uncle J called. Say e both break-up le. I dun believe, so i went in to read. Just as wat i thought. Only uncle J stupid then believed, also dunno y he can be bothered. Next time also dun believe uncle J le. Waste my time n money. E most important to me is his payment back to me. Is my hard earn money lor. Need to rest le, dun wanna Thk so much abt those who stepped me n pissed me. Waste my time

It has been raining whole day le. From morn 11 plus till now. Later mummy is coming. She thought i off today, cos crystal bringing some maternity clothing so need me to filter for her. Haiz..... Haha funny lei. Just now watch this variety show then they played this song which me n KZ used to like, when he Bluetoothed songs from my phone he told me he got this song 《新不了情》in his phone. He said he still remember i used to sang this song in karaoke. Just now when they play this song i cried le. I really missed our good old days.
I won't say i regret leaving him. But if he is willing to be a better man, i'm willing to give us another chance. After a few relationship, i admit he is e only 1 who treat me e best with love.
心若倦了　泪也干了　这份深情难舍难了　曾经拥有　天荒地老　一不见你　墓幕与朝朝　这一份情　永远难了　愿来生还能再度拥抱　爱一个人如何誓守到老　如何怎样面对一切　我不知道
回忆过去　痛苦的相思忘不了为何你还来颇动我心跳　爱你怎么能了　今夜的你应该明了　心难了　情难了
　

Recieved another wedding invitation card. Dun really knw e customer well but she still invite..... So sianz.
HK trip cancelled le. Is a 不能说的秘密, anyway is a good thing, no need to spend so much. But Ydae, spent e money for air- ticket on lingerie...... Siaoz liao. Anyway i like it n is been a long time i haven't bought anythi so nice. Treat it as a christmas gift for myself for past 4 yrs ba. As for e air-tickets, mummy's sister is takin over. At 1st e sis say too expensive but now she change her mind. There's only 1 word i can say abt this 'incident' - just bcos of e word i'indicisive'. All who knws wat happened knw who is that 'culprit' . Shouldn't had let some knw abt my blog.
Today saw KZ at e clinic near my plc, he like hiding..... Mayb i Thk too much le. Then he walk pass my work place ask me to go breakfast. So i told him to wait for me at e coffeeshop. When i reached, he ordered my drink le. Even though he ordered e wrong 1 but consider he quite considerate le. Y sometimes he can be so nice sometimes he dun? I also dunno. Last Nite after he reached home after work, he sent me a sms end with a gd Nite kiss. He hardly do that de lor. Usually i'm e 1 who gave him.
These few nites felt very tired. Like not enough time to use n rest. Mayb shld cut dwn on drinkin n going out. Waste time waste money. Look at e weddin dinner card again..... Lagi sianz. Yawnz..... Need to rest le. Sweet dreamz to me.

Last Nite went shoppin last min for e dinner cos some one fly jumbo 380 on me. After i bought wat i need so i sat outside e shoppin mall alone, watching this play house with deco of christmas. This play house can make millions of bubbles non stop, n some like snow. After that i took a cab back n this taxi driver dunno is being kind with words or tryin to be funny, he says he never seen anyone who wore such a nice long skirt as i was wearing, so i jus ha ha all e way with him. Then before i alight he told me i looked like a tough woman n i'm gorges. Wow! Another kind soul make my day again.
Kinda missed KZ , but i dunno y i just knw n tell myself i can't call him to tell him that. Thought i could sleep well after a few glass of red wine, but i doubt so now..... Dunno will he come meet me later. Dun wanna Thk so much, cos e more u hoped e more disappointed. A coin have two sides and a blade cuts both side.

E Nite finally here. We just came back from e wedding dinner of my cousin. (Whose father just passed away 3 months back) this is how i look tonight. I love my hair, my looks, my clothing everythi except e food is damn sucks. I bath le but did not bring dwn my hair, had a few glass of red wine, so this photo look Abit drunk....... Hope i can have a gd Nite rest. Will try to post more of e photo 2molo. Sweet dreamz.

Monday, December 31, 2007

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