Friday, November 30, 2007
Customer bring in this bag, i like it so much so i take a photo see whether can get it over at HK for my next trip.
Mayb this trip really not meant to be. But i really can't stay in singapore for CNY, i'll feel more miserable...... Mummy can't go, can't waste e ticket too. Arrrgh...... So 烦!
Just now met KZ he say chances quite high, but i dunno y i'm not Abit excited or happy, is it bcos my cryin this morn n my decision. I can feel a wall in between us, i can't ask any qs, i can't ask for further confirmation. I dun wanna see his 不耐烦的表情。I wanna be a simple woman. Got love life, got a stable job, a man who loves me who heartedly, willin to share his life with me. N not this kind of life, not when i can't be myself, afraid to say this or that, afraid to see his 不耐烦的表情。 afraid to do this or do that afraid that i'll get hurt. Is tough, i knw we won't last. Pls dun say i Thk too much. Its very difficult to describe a relation when u r more than frens, but u can't feel u both r lovers when u both agreed to give each other another chance. Is it too familiar to each other, or we afraid to give. I've tried too hard. Mayb m askin too much....
Wake up early 6plus with tears..... I dunno y? Suddenly felt so sad. Thought of KZ, makes me feel even worst. I've lost hope, lost confidence abt us. I can't let him knw. He wouldn't understand. I must step out, shouldn't make any step further le. M gonna hurt myself again. I've lost confidence abt myself. I've no longer dare to look into pple's eyes when i talk. I hate myself when i Thk this way. I knw is not wat pple say or do to bring us dwn, is how we value ourselves. But i just can't help to Thk this way. I must walk my way out, i must learn to love myself more. Just like this photo taken 2yrs back, so happy n confidence. I must move on, with him or without him confidently as happines belongs to me n not wat he gave me.
Look like chinese tea hor? But is whisky with hot water lei..... Weather so cold, so nice to have this with me at home. No need go so far to open my bottle. But is my dad de lor, so cannot everytime drink.
Went movie with KZ other day. Finally after he promised for so many months. We went to watch Beowolf. Not a bad movie, both of us behave so unfamiliar. I dunno y? Bcos so many yrs we not been together or we really no feel le? Must really look forward, save e best for last. 
This is 1 of e photo we took at East Coast that day. After wat all had happened i can only tell them : once sibling forever siblings. They will be e ones i loved most even though we came from different family.
Was so blessed by kind souls cos had recieve quite a few tips from few customers for e pass few days. Today alone i got $8. Above shown is from a ang mo. Ang mo hardly tips de lor. He quite tall, taller then KZ. Some more look Abit like David Cooperfield. Hee hee..... Handsome lei but not interested lor. Sometimes i believe that those who dunno us can touch our heart more than those around us. Not because he tips us but when he say thank u or even say 'great' after i showed him e mirror. Not all customer is like that lor. Great souls just touch ppl's heart unintentionally. Thanks God!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
I promised Gwen to buy her a hat. Went to Taka, saw a cap cos Gwen like purple color. But is in wool material cos Gwen is suffering from leukemia, she can't wear or have anythi with dust, furs or anythi that is bad for her breathin as she is weak n wearing a mask everyday. So i saw this hat, is made of nylon. But in pink n white. Hope she'll like it.
Saw this Tigger that day when i bought some poster for mummy. I dunno y i just like Tigge. So decided to bring home to be my partner. Recently too much things on my mind. Mayb to some frens i'm thinkin too much. Had an argument with a gf recently bcos of a fren of us, call him T. I dunno wat is wrong with her, y she so pissed off. I'm not attached, T is not attached. We went out as casual frens but she just flare up accusing us never ask her along. But everytime we asked her out, she either says she is bz or her husband find it too far. So is not our fault too. Some more she drink like hell always make us drink alot, sometimes is a torture to us.
After wat happened that Nite, i keep tellin myself is not my fault, i did not do anythi to upset our frenship. I'm just speakin e truth when she provoke me by sayin somethi abt our frenship is nothi to me when she talk abt e cross i made for her as a bdae gift, cos i gave 1 to T too. I'm jus pissed off, cos i did told her i gave him a cross at e last time i met her. Y is it she had to bring it out infront of so many frens after 1 month plus.
So sick, m really so sick to make pple happy, care for others feelin. Y no 1 stand in my shoe n Thk abt my feelins? Arrrgh........ :@ :'(
Friday, November 23, 2007
Went orchard, so long never went there. So much difference. Today felt very moody, dunno y? So tired now, feel like takin a long long rest. Dun feel like wakin up once i fallen asleep. Dun feel like smokin, talkin, thinkin......
Saturday, November 17, 2007
I actually bought my baby this suit. So i just showed it to my gf. She told me not to buy it. So i guess, i've have to keep it in my cupboard ba. I shouldn't call her my bb anymore. I dunno y i just can't, really can't rely on any1. KZ say he'll prove.even though is jus few days ago he said this, but i got my 6th sense too. I dun Thk we could make it,
Slept at 4am this morn. Had been thkin, so i send my bro a msg. He told me to let go of e past n bb n KZ is my hope. But now i'm not sure..... I felt that i ice a distance between her n i can't feel KZ is trying. I'm so sick of guessing. I want to be stable n not floating. I Dun wanna thk this way but is a fact i need to accept.
Friday, November 16, 2007
These few days havin this pain around my wrist. Is a old injury. Is actuall from my right leg abt 10 over yrs back. I jump dwn from e bumber car track n sprained my right leg. Eversince my leg is healed, this lump like bone came growing . Then out of e sudden, it 'run' to my left foot. Few yrs later it 'upgraded' to my right wrist n stayed a few yrs there. Went for x-ray, e Dr says is liquid in vain. Wat they can do is to take e liquid out n test it. Since is not bothering me so i just leave it. Till i met my 1st bf- K.Z , then i feel e pain. He took me to his fren's medical hall, which his father owns, uncle manage to squeeze it break n my hand back to normal le. So it lasted for a yr or 2, it grow back le. Few months back i notice a lump came out from my left hand, till i feel e pain again n is growing bigger. I realised it's trying to shift it's home again. Haiz..... Unbearable pain, so i called KZ to ask him whether his fren's father is still with that medical hall, surprisingly he asked me is it e pain in my hand is givin me trouble again. I was shock he still remember. Despise his bz work n lost contact with that fren. he still went around chk for me e workin hrs of e medical hall n on which day uncle is around. He apologised for e delay as he claims that he got lots of cases to be done. How can i blame him? Few months back he asked for a patch back, after a break up of 4 yrs. I tried givin him chances but he is so bz with work n we both lead our own life after break off from our 10yrs relation. So its Abit difficult, so i told him lets go on our own way. After i msg him abt e pain at my wrist , he tries to explain that he still wants me back. Ask me to trust him as he will try his best to Show me n make me trust him again as he is afraid he'll disappoint me n bcos of our past n i won't want him back.
After i broke up with him, i had another 3 relationship but it all end up within a yr. Cos no 1 can compare to KZ. Its not i really wanna compare but after wat i went thru esp e recent 1. I still feel that KZ is e only 1 whom i dun have to worry abt n shower his love for me. So i told him action speak louder than words even though i was touched by wat he had said. Let time tell, who knws wat a person might changed after 4 yrs.....
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Haven't wrote anythi here for so many days le. Had 2 bad news within 48 hrs. 1 is my gf's daughter hospitalised for leukemia at e age of 11. Other 1 is my good buddy cum sister is 5 mths pregnant n she dun even knew it till she went to e Dr. Was so worried that she would abort it as e guy is only her ex cum sex partner. Thk she still got feel for him ba. Was pretty happy when she decided to keep e bb, n also annouced that i'm half a mother of e bb gal, then she came back with a news that e guy won't marry her but still do his responsibility. I dunno how could she take it. If is for me, i felt that that guy only do it 4 e bb, he dun mind just to have my gf as a companion...... M Abit upset, felt hurt too. But if she Thk she is happy abt it, then i give her my support. Went boat quay Ydae. My bro put on my glasses so i took a pic of him. He looks like Prawn cracker seller..... Haha...., had a small arguement with another gf on e same Nite. She give out a comment that i keep doing all e bb stuff by myself n dun let go. I'm Abit upset. Cos i really love e bb, i love my dear. I really wanna treat her like my own to give her my best of best. Give my gf good planning so she won't feel so stress. But now i Thk i'm e 1 who is feelin stress. I've cook her dinner, but was in e afternoon. So i hope she'll eat it early, as i afraid e food turn bad. But she just simply ignore. When i reach e bar. She told me she vomited in e afternoon. So i suppose she won't really had appetite, so not to waste e food i pass it to my bro n my gf - M( e 1 who upset me with that comment) as i afraid e later it is, e food will turn sour or spoilt. So after e argument, M told me that e mummy was hungry n dun dare to touch e snack platter as she afraid i'll get angry for she never eat wat i cook. I knw is a messy story, but i wonder y every1 so afraid of me, i feel very sad to say that they can't feel my love n concern. They r just afraid of me. mummy call me later that Nite, told me that she break e news to her sis, n her sis is quite supportive abt it, so e last thing to do is to break e news to her mum. M glad that her sis is so supportive as no matter how supportive all e buddy r, it still can't b compare to her family. I also knw 1 thg, no matter how good i can do, this bb forever is some1's daughter. I shld see it clearly, n back off few steps. Let them do thgs to help her. M not jealous abt my concern is not being appreciated but jus upset that m just a nobody n yet i'm makin decision for her n might even upset them. Mayb i should give them air to breath be it mummy or my brothers. I shouldn't be too harsh on them. Then i won't feel so upset for i knw i'm that kind of person, wat ever i do to for them, i hope they can feel my love. But if they misunderstood my view, i'll be upset n back off. That is e prob with me which i always can't learn - i care n worried too much. 
Uncle J coming to bring this helmet away le, this is e last thing of his in my house le. That Nite go BBQ my bro already help me to throw e ring into e sea le. Thk i'm gettin better le ba? Last Nite went to check air-ticket on line, itchy hand went into read her things again. But this time is different i dun feel so much of sadness nor jealous le. Mayb I've finally see clearly le, i told myself if i got a chance to go on line, i will not go to that website anymore le. Now all i wish that my hong kong trip will be a smooth 1. N can Go for another trip in Malaysia. No man no die, no $ sure die. 
Now is 4 am in e morn. Just came with my frens. Supposed to have funs with my brothers n frens. But in e end, bcos of communication break dwn, Abit upset with them. So in the end my brothers was not there. Sometimes really dunno how to talk to them, i admit i was Abit harsh just now. I loved them i really do. I also dunno why i reacted that way. Talk to uncle J other day. Haha..... Nice fella la.experience man! Haha..... I mean he's very experience in life la. Always encourage n advice me, this fren can keep de lor! Say le dun go in lor. I still itchy hand n mind went in. Not steady lei. Must be more steady. Leave them alone le, i knw watever she wrote inside some r lies. So shouldn't felt upset n make my life so miserable. But honestly, this relationship is e worst in my life. I can never forget mayb i can't even forgive. E only 1 who really loves me e most is God but i failed him. E 1 whom i loves most is E pple around me but they failed me.
Why oh why?
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